steadycourse | recolle ic inbox

[ That meeting was a lot to process, and she knows Ishida is in a similar boat, although she hasn't had any memories nearly as bad as he has so far. That memory he described is actually why she's texting him now, because she was still worried a day later. ]

Sorry to text you out of the blue, but I was a little worried after the meeting yesterday. It's a lot to process isn't it?

[Kaede...? He's a little surprised to see her text, but Ishida is grateful nonetheless.]

It certainly is! All that information about our past lives and killing games, but it seemed rather fruitful! The truth is always important!

[While he believes that the truth is important, it doesn't make any of this easier to take in.]

You're right.

[ Plus, it's nice to have a group to discuss things like that with. ]

But it's scary isn't it? I don't have any memories of a killing game or anything like that so I can't even imagine what it's like to remember it.

[He looks at the text for a moment, before responding.]

It's really frightening, Kaede. I don't want to tell the others, but I honestly don't want to remember more of my past life.

But it all seems so important to them! I can't hold them back.

[ She's not that surprised to hear it frightens him, but she takes a moment to respond, trying to think of the right words to say. ]

I don't think any of them would blame you for not wanting to remember more. Just what I heard from everyone was really scary.

But you still want to tell them what you remember, right? That's the feeling I get from you at least.

[ Just knowing how he is, she knows he wouldn't want to keep them in the dark on anything. ]

I do. Even if my memories are painful, if it helps them to remember something... then it's worth it.

[He thinks about the others, and how each of them have their own motivation to recall more memories.]

From wanting to learn the truth, knowing more about their past self, or just remembering the people that died during the killing game... those are all noble reasons. To prevent any of them from reaching that goal would be horribly selfish of me.

Especially if it's something as small as 'I'm afraid.'

I don't think being afraid is small. I bet the others are afraid too, they just don't want to say it.

I think that it's okay to be afraid. It's normal. I haven't remembered anything scary myself but... even I'm afraid. Don't beat yourself up over it.

Maybe they are, but they're still able to push through it. They get through that fear and I don't want to be the one to fall behind.

Kaede, I must ask. If you start regaining memories of the killing game, would you still want to remember even if people die in front of you? Or... find out that your past self murdered someone?

I don't know. I've been thinking about it, what I'd do if I remembered stuff like that. There's nothing we can do to stop the memories right?I guess I would have to keep remembering, as much as it hurts.

If my past self murdered someone though... I really don't know what I'd do then. Something like that, it's unimaginable.

I don't know how I'd react either. All I know is that it's easier to forgive other people's former selves than our own.

I was also thinking of seeing the others in my memories more.

And. Just. The possibility of seeing them-- and you, at least a version of you, get murdered in front of me.

It is. I'd forgive any of you in just a second if your past selves did something. I don't think I'd forgive myself though.

If that happens, just remember we're all here. We're lucky enough to have each other, so we need to rely on one another if we get any bad memories like that.

You're completely right about that.

Even if I witness one of you dying, I just have to remember that you're still alive here with me. No matter how strange things get, we have our own lives that matter!

[There's a small delay for his next message.]

We do need to trust and rely on each other, I fully believe that. I just dislike shoving my anxieties on others-- which I'm doing to you right now!

Exactly! I'll be here to remind you of that too,
just in case it does happen.

You're not shoving your anxieties onto me. I'm happy you're telling me about these things. I think if we share our worries with one another, it'll be a lot easier. It's too much if we just keep our worries to ourselves.

Edited 2018-03-01 03:44 (UTC)

I'll be here for you too!

Thank you, Kaede. Seeing you say all this truly means a lot, because you're my friend! I'm glad that I'm not bothering you with all this.

You promise that you'll tell me your worries if you have them?

I'm glad! It's always nice to have friends in times like these.

I will! I'll tell you if I get any memories about any killing games too. It'll be less scary if we can talk to each other about it. At least, that's what I think.

You're absolutely right. Not to mention, we don't have to worry about betrayal or the killing game here.

[He looks at his phone for a moment again, before sending the next message.]

I never thought about this before, but my past self was probably terrified every day. Who wouldn't be? I've truly been callous to not care about that and only worry about how it might affect me.

I never thought about that either actually. The pain everyone's past selves went through when they lost their friends... I wonder what my past self felt too, if she went through all of that.

I don't think it's callous not to realize it. It's like we're living through the memories ourselves, right? It's easy to forget that we're not that person.

If she did and if she's anything like you... I know that she would be deeply upset! Because you're that sort of person!

It does feel that way. But strangely enough, I don't find myself mixing him with who I am now. Maybe it's because I'm so different from him. At least, from what I remember.

I hope so. I really hope she was that kind of person. She seems to be similar to me, at least in the memories I've had.

What ways are you different from him? Other than that one memory you have...

Well, to be honest, it's just that one memory I have...

But I think that combined with the pyrotechnology in my eyes says enough. I'd never do either thing!

That's true. Both are pretty out there for you.

Maybe you'll find out you have more in common with him later on? But I don't know. It's possible I could find out things that make me feel like I'm completely different from my past self too.

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